Nothing Real is Happening
I write this during my first break from Twitter in the three and a half months since I joined.
It’s also my last night of vacation. I’ve been slowing down: sunbathing, journaling, staring at the sea, unsubscribing, and making the decision to hire a virtual assistant.
In the last few days, I’ve become more consciously aware of the free-floating anxiety that often characterizes this chapter of my life. It stands out more when all the environmental stressors are removed. It comes in several flavors.
The familiar compulsive phone-check can mean so many different things. It can mean, “this work is too hard, let me avoid it for just one more minute” or, “I haven’t made up my mind yet,” or, “not this again,” or “please love me,” or, “I don’t want to deal with what’s in front of me right now — please remind me there are other things happening in the world,” or “maybe the answer is out there somewhere,” or, “I hope someone loves me,” or, “maybe someone will notice me,” or, “will she please just text me back already.”
You know that anticipatory anxiety that compels us to check the phone as if to scratch an itch? Some portion of the time, it’s fear. It pretends to be a fear that we can alleviate by checking. But it’s actually a fear we perpetuate by checking.
We feed into the lie that checking will help our anxiety. This leaves us feeling helpless when we’re not checking. It prevents us from understanding and responding to our day to day anxieties more appropriately.
Every time we check our phone to alleviate free-floating anxiety, we’ve missed an opportunity to recognize our anxiety for what it is and practice other ways of coping with it. Lack of practice leaves those muscles weak, those neurological patterns unformed.
Furthermore, the amount of time we spend procrastinating on challenging tasks by checking our phones adds to the nagging sense of guilt that we’re not taking care of what’s important, and the growing anxiety about how difficult it will be to get to, or what could go wrong if we don’t. We then look to our phones to alleviate this emotional discomfort, continuing to delay the process of getting started addressing the very things that are contributing to our sense of pressure. It’s a feedback loop.
Since I joined Twitter, a portion of my anxiety and compulsiveness has been driven by a sense that people are “out to get me.” Stated this way, it sounds paranoid, but bear with me; there’s some reality to this. I know my views are controversial, and people really are attempting to sabotage my career for expressing them. To some extent, I knew I was getting into this. Sometimes, now that I’m in the thick of it, I wonder — what was I thinking?
Well, I suppose I was thinking the good outweighed the bad. The jury is still out on that one; the night is young. So far there’s been a lot that’s been encouraging.
I also have a habit of over-relying on my emotional strength. I am a very strong person, but sometimes I take that for granted, and forget to include the other parts of me — the vulnerable ones that have their limits and want other things for my life — in my decision making processes.
As I’m sitting out on a few rounds of the social media tournament — days or weeks, I don’t yet know — I notice a free-floating anxiety that wants to reach for the phone and check notifications for a Twitter account that is currently deactivated. I don’t just feel it in the moments that I actually reach for my phone. I feel it when I’m sitting quietly in my vacation hotel room at 8pm on a Saturday, eating dinner, watching a movie, and just about as far away as one could be from needing to worry about this. Some gut instinct sparks a fear in me; I can’t initially tell where it’s coming from, I just get a surge of adrenaline that tells me something is wrong. I have to examine it. Only by examining it can I assess that there is no actual danger. This anxiety is habitual, a conditioned compulsion, neurons firing according to their usual schedule; it’s not a genuine indicator that something is actually wrong right now.
My anxiety and higher self had a little conversation that went something like this.
All does not feel well! Is all well?
Yes, all is well. I am safe, warm, fed, and loved. Nothing is happening other than that.
I feel like something is happening on the internet that I have to go check out. What is it that could be happening on the internet, that I could be missing? Could people be talking about me?
Yes, they probably are, amongst other things.
How many people?
Oh, maybe a few dozen. A few hundred at most.
Are they people whose opinions matter to me?
Some, yes. Others, no.
Is what they are saying good or bad?
Both.
Is there anything bad that is going to happen to me?
Unknown.
Unknown?! That’s not okay! I have to go look to find out!
But you won’t find out anything. All you will find out is a portion of what’s being said about you, by a portion of people, and there probably won’t be anything for you to do about it.
When what people say about you is positive, you can take that in a bit, but you’ve already received supportive encouraging words you could just as easily take to heart more deeply. Besides, you don’t want to make the mistake of letting positive feedback go to your head if it makes you feel invincible and take dumb risks, or if it becomes an addictive distraction from your real work.
If it’s negative, you can largely ignore it, and just keep on blocking mean people. Very little criticism is constructive. There are only a small fragment of interactions where someone is on the fence and a thoughtful response from you can clear up any misunderstanding. You’ll just have to trust that missing out on those potential scenarios is part of a net positive in your break from social media.
You might have some worry or disappointment that people you thought you had good rapport with have changed their opinions of you for the worse. But you’ve already done all you can. You have apologized when appropriate, clarified, and asked to be approached in the respectful manner that you would approach someone if you had a concern. It’s up to others to decide what they do with that next.
But none of this will help with your main sense of anxiety, which is whether any of the people on the internet who are angry with you have submitted any complaints that your board will actually take seriously. You will not find that out on Twitter. And that’s the only real risk.
But what if someone wants to stalk or threaten me?
If you receive any credible threats, you will take appropriate legal action to protect yourself. So far that hasn’t happened, except for the man who’s been stalking you for years now. You’ve managed to live with that, block every new channel he uses in his attempts to reach you, and keep him out of your mind most of the time. As far as he’s concerned, while he’s intimidated you, he hasn’t caused actual danger. You know you can’t predict or control when, if ever, he will finally leave you alone for good, yet you have gone on living your life anyway.
So you’re saying I just shouldn’t bother to look.
There’s no point. You won’t find anything useful. You should learn how to relax during your free time without worrying about who is saying what on the internet. Remember when you knew that?
But what if something bad happens?
If something bad happens you will find out when you’re meant to know it. You will cross that bridge if and when you come to it. Until then, you should just keep going about with your life. Attend to your day to day matters and long term goals.
So I’m just supposed to wait until someone contacts me about any actual trouble?
Yes. Even though there’s a decent chance that will never happen. And if it does happen, it could be weeks, months, or years down the line. Meanwhile, life could toss all kinds of other troubles at you if it wanted to, too.
So I’ve just got to live like this? Knowing something bad could happen?
Yep.
And checking Twitter won’t alleviate that worry.
Nope.
So I’ve got to learn to live with this possibility of imminent risk and also just relax and live my life.
Yes.
For fuck’s sake, Life.
I know.
Okay.
Okay.
Nothing is happening.
Nothing is happening.
I’m just in a hotel, finishing a movie and thinking of reading a book next.
Yep.
Then I’ll sleep.
Yep.
And tomorrow I fly home, and my partner picks me up at the airport, and he makes me feel safe.
Yep.
And the next day I work on the project I promised myself I would prioritize.
Yep.
And there’s nothing else to do.
Well, just everything else on your to do list, which is a lot, but yeah. The internet doesn’t need you, though.
What about all those people trying to get my attention?
Well, you’ll have to make time soon to sort through them, or have your new assistant do that. You’ll need to figure out who all is asking you for what, and out of all those who’s and what’s, which ones you want to give your time and attention to, and then how to go about planning that.
But you should probably not take on too many who’s and what’s. I understand there are a few you want to prioritize and we’ll take that into consideration, but they’re not automatically entitled to your time and energy, and you should especially exercise caution when you’re already stretched thin.
You also need to minimize and streamline the ways people have of reaching you. Social media does nothing but expand them. If someone really needs to reach you, they will find a way to email you. And so far, the only personal emails and blog comments you have received since you left Twitter have been supportive. Someone you admire even reached out, spoke with you over the phone, and gave you valuable, compassionate guidance.
But what about all those people I’m not getting back to?
What about them?
Don’t I owe them something?
No.
But I feel bad, they’re in so much pain.
So are you. You are stretched thin. You know the world will never stop supplying you with people in pain, and you will always have to be selective about who you take on helping.
But they don’t have anyone.
Yes and no. You’re special, but remember to have faith in the universe. It’s not good for your mental health when you allow yourself to feel like the whole world is on fire and you’re the only one with a Tyvek suit. Look for the places that aren’t burning, the cool lakes to sit by, and the firemen that are showing up to help.
So you’re saying why worry when you can pray.
Right, remember that? You don’t have to do everything. It’s enough that you care. Your heart is in the right place. That doesn’t mean you have to spring into action. Just think about what you want for the people you care about. Envision positive outcomes. Send them blessings. Remember their strengths. Find gratitude for all the other supports and resources that can help them besides you.
Right.
Right.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Go get some rest, kiddo.
